Taking your 2 or 3 year old out to a restaurant can be a rewarding experience, but it can just as easily turn out to be challenging, to put it mildly! When it turns into the latter, I'm challenging you to see it as an opportunity to have a positive experience by being aware of his developmental needs.
At this age your child is developing a sense of mastery over simple social skills (simple is defined by adults, but very complex for him), and beginning to be aware of his emotions. In this stage it's easy for him to be overwhelmed and over-stimulated, especially by something as stimulating as dining out, and tantrums and rages are his way of showing emotional overload. Your reactions to his behavior will determine how well or poorly he masters the social and emotional skills required of him, as well as how proud or ashamed he feels about himself. It's important that parents understand what's going on behind the tantrum - what his behavior is telling us that his words can't - and respond with compassion, guidance and help, just as we would if he fell and scraped his knee and needed a band-aid and a hug.
If the dining experience mentioned above turns out to be one where your toddler has a meltdown, understand that he is in danger of embarrassing himself with his uncontrollable public show and it can actually be very frightening for him. He needs to know that the adults around him can remain in control no matter how badly he "loses it". He's fragile right now and you need to be his "rock".
Start by taking him somewhere private, give him assurance that you know he can calm down and you'll wait with him while he does (don't berate him, just be there for him). Hold him if he'll let you, let him climb onto your lap if he wants, and as he begins to calm down, praise him for trying hard. When he's ready - after he's been at his normal energy level for 2 or 3 entire minutes, say you'll take him back to the table, but that if he needs you to help him calm down again, you will be happy to return to this quiet place with him. Keep the tone positive and reassuring. He's accomplished a lot by calming down and should be allowed to feel proud of himself. If you find it hard to be patient while doing this, it might be helpful for you to compare it to putting him on the BRAT (bread, rice, apple juice, and toast)diet when he's recovering from the flu. It's just what he needs and it's just what you do, and you don't get angry doing that).
If, when you rejoin the party, someone makes mention of his behavior, redirect the conversation to how proud you are of his ability to calm down. Put-downs or recriminations at this point - or at any point - are psychologically and emotionally damaging. Children live in the moment and if it seems as if the incident never happened, to him it's over and he's moved on. There's no need to dredge it up. To allay any fears that helping your child in this way can be a disguised way of giving in, rest assured that's not the case. What you're actually doing is setting a firm boundary, holding him in a psychological and emotional embrace that is every bit as needed and effective as a physical one. Although he'll probably resist some of the limits and boundaries you set, he does need them and any resistance he shows is normal but not to be given in to. Giving in means you've handed him back the control that you should have, control he can't possibly handle. If you sincerely believe that your toddler is trying very hard to learn an enormous number of things every day, rather than seeing him as "messing up" when he doesn't have complete mastery of a skill yet, you will be giving him a wonderful gift and discipline in his teens will be a breeze!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Stress: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Eight Tools for your Stress Toolbox
It is unbelievable to me that the holiday season is almost here again. But it is right around the corner, and now is the time to get prepared so you can get the most out of it.
Stress is a natural companion to this time of year. By stress I include both the good and the bad kinds. Good stress caused by the excitement of visiting friends and family, parties, time off work and school, giving and getting gifts, anticipating all of that, and high expectations about enjoying every minute of it. Bad stress caused by lack of sleep, increased ingestion of rich and sugary foods and drinks, breakdown in routine, and an abundance of unstructured time. Other culprits are traveling to exciting destinations, worries about money, unmet expectations, hosting relatives or friends - with its companion: extra cooking, laundry and cleaning, etc.
Since both kinds of stress can contribute to an undesirable change in children’s behaviors, how can you prepare so that there are as few problems as possible and how can you best manage when problem behaviors appear?
Plan, plan, plan
Meals: no need to be anal about it, but buy food, plan and cook meals ahead of time, freezing the main portion of several meals so that only simple side dishes need to be prepared right before mealtimes.
Activities: although it is tempting to cram a ton of activities into a short amount of time, be realistic about fitting them in around routine activities, or substitute a normal routine for an unusual one. Remember “doing nothing” can also be a planned activity – the time you plan to “do nothing” with will quickly be snapped up by everything else that you did not plan to do!
Routines
Since routines provide such great structure to a child’s day, as much as you possibly can, keep mealtimes and bedtimes to their regular times. Hunger and tiredness inevitably produce poor behavior in children (and in adults!), so why give yourself trouble? When it is not possible to stick to the usual routine, allow extra time for little ones to adjust to the change. Meals may take a little longer, or snacks may need to be more frequent. Naptimes may be shorter, and bedtimes may require more patience as your overtired youngster settles down.
Discipline
Just because there is slack in the routines or changes in the activities, it does not follow that there should be slack in discipline. It is more important than ever to provide your child with your usual approach to dealing with his behaviors. Like routines, discipline provides great structure that children need in order to stay calm and centered.
Delegate
If you are the host, do not feel it is your job to also be the events planner, concierge, therapist, mediator, historian, chef, interior decorator and cleaner. Be a good delegator and rely upon the various strengths and skills of your guests of all ages. Even if you are not hosting, delegate anyway to those in the family who are capable of taking on some of the extra load.
Help out
If you are visiting, offer to help the host out. There is no need to wonder what you could do to be helpful, merely ask! Encourage the rest of the visitors to help out too – even the youngest visitor can feel proud when asked to help out.
Nutrition
Sugar is the enemy! Although it is tempting to overload on sugary and calorie-loaded foods and drinks, try to keep excesses to a minimum. You and your children can still enjoy them in moderation. Prepare by buying and serving healthy meals and snacks. Make healthy meals ahead, or prepare easy-to-cook meals and plan so you have plenty of leftovers. Put sugary gifts in the freezer and apportion them out throughout the season or the year. Or give them away.
Exercise
Whatever your usual exercise routine is – stick to it. If you double up on the time or intensity in order to justify eating/drinking five times the calories, you’ll burn out in a hurry. Even take a little exercise vacation if you feel like it. Once you get back into a routine after the holidays, your body will thank you and return to its normal condition. Make sure your children get plenty of physical activity too, as it helps them adjust to changes in routine and ensures a good night’s sleep.
Relaxation
Schedule a little quiet time for the children, and a little alone time for yourself. Out of all the hours in your day, relaxation will buy the best bang for your buck, since it is the best way to recharge your batteries and keep you going the rest of the day.
Stress is a natural companion to this time of year. By stress I include both the good and the bad kinds. Good stress caused by the excitement of visiting friends and family, parties, time off work and school, giving and getting gifts, anticipating all of that, and high expectations about enjoying every minute of it. Bad stress caused by lack of sleep, increased ingestion of rich and sugary foods and drinks, breakdown in routine, and an abundance of unstructured time. Other culprits are traveling to exciting destinations, worries about money, unmet expectations, hosting relatives or friends - with its companion: extra cooking, laundry and cleaning, etc.
Since both kinds of stress can contribute to an undesirable change in children’s behaviors, how can you prepare so that there are as few problems as possible and how can you best manage when problem behaviors appear?
Plan, plan, plan
Meals: no need to be anal about it, but buy food, plan and cook meals ahead of time, freezing the main portion of several meals so that only simple side dishes need to be prepared right before mealtimes.
Activities: although it is tempting to cram a ton of activities into a short amount of time, be realistic about fitting them in around routine activities, or substitute a normal routine for an unusual one. Remember “doing nothing” can also be a planned activity – the time you plan to “do nothing” with will quickly be snapped up by everything else that you did not plan to do!
Routines
Since routines provide such great structure to a child’s day, as much as you possibly can, keep mealtimes and bedtimes to their regular times. Hunger and tiredness inevitably produce poor behavior in children (and in adults!), so why give yourself trouble? When it is not possible to stick to the usual routine, allow extra time for little ones to adjust to the change. Meals may take a little longer, or snacks may need to be more frequent. Naptimes may be shorter, and bedtimes may require more patience as your overtired youngster settles down.
Discipline
Just because there is slack in the routines or changes in the activities, it does not follow that there should be slack in discipline. It is more important than ever to provide your child with your usual approach to dealing with his behaviors. Like routines, discipline provides great structure that children need in order to stay calm and centered.
Delegate
If you are the host, do not feel it is your job to also be the events planner, concierge, therapist, mediator, historian, chef, interior decorator and cleaner. Be a good delegator and rely upon the various strengths and skills of your guests of all ages. Even if you are not hosting, delegate anyway to those in the family who are capable of taking on some of the extra load.
Help out
If you are visiting, offer to help the host out. There is no need to wonder what you could do to be helpful, merely ask! Encourage the rest of the visitors to help out too – even the youngest visitor can feel proud when asked to help out.
Nutrition
Sugar is the enemy! Although it is tempting to overload on sugary and calorie-loaded foods and drinks, try to keep excesses to a minimum. You and your children can still enjoy them in moderation. Prepare by buying and serving healthy meals and snacks. Make healthy meals ahead, or prepare easy-to-cook meals and plan so you have plenty of leftovers. Put sugary gifts in the freezer and apportion them out throughout the season or the year. Or give them away.
Exercise
Whatever your usual exercise routine is – stick to it. If you double up on the time or intensity in order to justify eating/drinking five times the calories, you’ll burn out in a hurry. Even take a little exercise vacation if you feel like it. Once you get back into a routine after the holidays, your body will thank you and return to its normal condition. Make sure your children get plenty of physical activity too, as it helps them adjust to changes in routine and ensures a good night’s sleep.
Relaxation
Schedule a little quiet time for the children, and a little alone time for yourself. Out of all the hours in your day, relaxation will buy the best bang for your buck, since it is the best way to recharge your batteries and keep you going the rest of the day.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Why do Young Children Need Limits and Expectations?
At some point during (perhaps even before) our parenting years, we may be advised to always “set limits with your children”, or “be clear about your expectations”, amid other similar pieces of advice. We may very sincerely want to heed that advice, but what does it all actually mean and how do we go about doing it?
I’d like to first explain what I mean by setting limits and expectations, and what the difference is between the two. Limits refer to those behaviors we would like our children to no longer engage in (such as hitting a sibling), and expectations refer to those behaviors we’d like them to engage in more often (such as picking up toys).
In my professional, and personal, opinion, I believe children need some structure in their lives – and being clear with them about what we as parents would like them to do, or not do, is one very effective way of providing such structure. It also clearly outlines their boundaries, allowing them total freedom to behave like children as long as they stay within them, when straying outside of them could be unsafe or anxiety-provoking.
Psychologically speaking, children need boundaries, just as they need physical boundaries. When we prevent a young child from running out of a play area into a parking lot by keeping the gate closed, we keep him physically safe from harm he might not be aware of, or able to cope with. Setting boundaries provides them with very necessary psychological, social structure within which he can have emotional freedom and safety.
So how do we set the limit?
1. Decide which particular behavior you will no longer tolerate or accept. Make sure it is a realistic, necessary and attainable requirement, and rehearse how you will tell him in very simple terms what he can no longer do and what will happen when he does.
2. When your child is not engaging in the behavior but is in a receptive mood – when he’s not hungry and tired! – tell him simply and clearly what your plan is: “Todd, your dad and I want you to stop hitting Taylor, and when you do, you will sit in your Timeout Chair for a short while”. Keep your voice kind, neutral, and not in any way threatening. Ask him if he understands, answer any clarifying questions – but don’t get drawn into negotiations - then move on to another subject entirely. Don’t revisit the subject until you have to act on what you told him.
3. When Todd hits Taylor (as he surely will soon enough), use the same words you did when you set the limit and remind him he will now spend a few minutes in his Timeout Chair (or some other place where he is deprived briefly of your, and other’s, attention. Ignore his pleas or other attempts to draw you in. Just continue with what you were doing when he transgressed. When he’s been quiet in Timeout for about half a minute, tell him he can join the activities and make no mention of either the hitting or any disruptive behavior while he was in Timeout.
4. When the hitting has stopped being a problem, use the same approach for any others that might be causing concern.
5. Be prepared for your child to test his limits, and when he does, simply repeat steps 2 and 3 above. Be consistent and compassionate and he’ll come around to your way to thinking.
I’d like to first explain what I mean by setting limits and expectations, and what the difference is between the two. Limits refer to those behaviors we would like our children to no longer engage in (such as hitting a sibling), and expectations refer to those behaviors we’d like them to engage in more often (such as picking up toys).
In my professional, and personal, opinion, I believe children need some structure in their lives – and being clear with them about what we as parents would like them to do, or not do, is one very effective way of providing such structure. It also clearly outlines their boundaries, allowing them total freedom to behave like children as long as they stay within them, when straying outside of them could be unsafe or anxiety-provoking.
Psychologically speaking, children need boundaries, just as they need physical boundaries. When we prevent a young child from running out of a play area into a parking lot by keeping the gate closed, we keep him physically safe from harm he might not be aware of, or able to cope with. Setting boundaries provides them with very necessary psychological, social structure within which he can have emotional freedom and safety.
So how do we set the limit?
1. Decide which particular behavior you will no longer tolerate or accept. Make sure it is a realistic, necessary and attainable requirement, and rehearse how you will tell him in very simple terms what he can no longer do and what will happen when he does.
2. When your child is not engaging in the behavior but is in a receptive mood – when he’s not hungry and tired! – tell him simply and clearly what your plan is: “Todd, your dad and I want you to stop hitting Taylor, and when you do, you will sit in your Timeout Chair for a short while”. Keep your voice kind, neutral, and not in any way threatening. Ask him if he understands, answer any clarifying questions – but don’t get drawn into negotiations - then move on to another subject entirely. Don’t revisit the subject until you have to act on what you told him.
3. When Todd hits Taylor (as he surely will soon enough), use the same words you did when you set the limit and remind him he will now spend a few minutes in his Timeout Chair (or some other place where he is deprived briefly of your, and other’s, attention. Ignore his pleas or other attempts to draw you in. Just continue with what you were doing when he transgressed. When he’s been quiet in Timeout for about half a minute, tell him he can join the activities and make no mention of either the hitting or any disruptive behavior while he was in Timeout.
4. When the hitting has stopped being a problem, use the same approach for any others that might be causing concern.
5. Be prepared for your child to test his limits, and when he does, simply repeat steps 2 and 3 above. Be consistent and compassionate and he’ll come around to your way to thinking.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Looking Inward
There are twelve questions below. Put aside some time to seriously consider how you would answer them. Write down as many answers as you can think of for each question then prioritize your answers. Select the ones that best describe you and your parenting style. Spend some time reflecting on the answers you selected as this enables you to develop a clear picture about how you have influenced your child’s behaviors up until now, and how you can influence them differently going forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
